OPINION: How My Virginity is a Feminist Power Move
Sociologists like to describe sex as everywhere and nowhere. Everywhere because if you open a magazine, glance up at an advertisement, turn on the tv, log into HBO… BOOM there it is. Yet, it’s this taboo topic that no one talks about and everyone tries to avoid. We live in a puritan culture yet our media tells us that “everyone is doing it ” and it’s true. It’s just behind closed doors.
I believe choosing to wait until marriage to have sex— or whatever point in time you see fit by your own standards— has to be tied to something deeply personal, spiritual, or hopefully both. I believe choosing to just “have at it” is, in more ways than one, how structures of society are secretly kicking you in the ass. Hear me out.
I’ve been dating Jack for 6.5 years now and engaged to him for 4 months. We both came from very different backgrounds. He was taught great sex education in school and grew up with the message that sex should be saved until you meet someone special, but not necessarily until you tie the knot. All his friends in Scotland were slowly losing their virginity and he was next… but instead, he moved to America. HA! Sorry, Jack.
I grew up with abstinence-only education where I was shown photos of cauliflower and told “that’s what an STD looks like”, and that I would get one if I so much as stared at a boy for too long. You didn’t have sex before marriage because the Bible said so. It turns out that this isn’t a very compelling argument for most people.
Abstinence-only education vs. sex education is a very big issue— and I would LOVE to dive into the harmful effects of teaching abstinence (like how it sociologically leads to an increase in teen pregnancies and STDs) OH! and how purity balls perpetuate the notion that girls are sexual objects being passed from one male to another— but we will save that for another time :) The point is— America leads the world in teen pregnancy, abortion, and STIs, and also in abstinence-until-marriage programs. On already shaky ground, our young and horny youth are being taught not to partake in sexual relations, and then society is screaming at them to just do it, and then they do it without the proper education to keep them safe because they have not been taught the harm reduction model.
Then, there’s this fact: we have had an absolute flip in dating culture. First, it was courting and then sex. Now, it’s sex and then courting. Many people might argue that the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s brought about the famed “hookup culture” and that it liberated sexuality for good. While it did pave the way for gay and lesbian rights, it left some lingering problems in its wake. When looking at modern hookup culture, less than a third of people say that hooking up is mutual. It also sets a sexual double standard on girls (their reputation plummets while their male counterparts’ soars), and don’t get me started on the orgasm gap. It’s atrociously disproportionate (and I think you know who the culprit is). Oh, and like, rape culture.
Our sexual liberation is flawed— it’s still run by men’s desires and leaves us thinking we will end up alone with 17 cats if we don’t partake in shagging every guy in the freshman dorm lest we be called the hall virgin. In other words, it is now a race to get rid of the V on our forehead as fast as we can, which leaves us devoid of all personal reason and spiritual connection for having sex.
So… back to my virginity story. If the Bible wasn’t enough to convince me, and abstinence-only education did squat, and I never had to (thankfully) partake in hookup culture because in high school, people scared me and I much preferred the idea of books over booze (plus I met Jack when I was 15), then why the hell am I waiting?
In my gender studies class, I learned that Jack and I are in the 5th percentile of people who will be virgins on the night they exchange vows. Did you hear that right? 5% of couples are still virgins when they get married. Only 5%. Less than a century ago, that statistic would have probably been the opposite.
The other day in the car, panicked and full of caffeine, I turned around to face Jack and said, “if anyone were to ask us why we chose not to make whoopie until we were married, what would we say?” We went back and forth both mumbling our answers and I said a few enlightened things, that of which I should have written down for this post but alas they are gone. Jack chimed in but kinda sat there, perplexed at the end of it all. We didn’t have one good answer, it all came out a very jumbled mix. here’s what we came up with:
We hand’t created a relationship based on sex, but a relationship crafted on love. Our world didn’t evolve around what we did under the sheets or behind locked doors. Sure, we fool around, but while we know sex is a big deal, it alsooooo… kinda isn’t the BIGGEST deal? It’ll be a great addition, don’t get me wrong, but we have other ways of entertaining ourselves (and more important things to focus on) until then.
I still believe, we both do, that having sex is the most vulnerable and close you will ever get to another human being. You are not “giving yourself away” but rather, you are sharing the deepest form of connectedness with another being that God has formed to do the same. Why not wait until you make the promise of “till death do us part” in front of God and all your loved ones before having that kind of moment? It could be like, really special.
If intercourse is the only way you know how to please your partner, you’re doing it wrong. Enough said. Just because we’re virgins doesn’t mean we’re prudes!
It low-key feels cool to be in the minority now. PLOT TWIST! We are the ~ rare ~ ones. The rebels. The loud and proud hipster virgins. There are only 5% of us, woohoo! I kinda feel like you do after you take the Meyers Briggs and it says only 2% of the population has your personality type and then you feel like you’re the most special and love to secretly gloat about it.
The last thing, this decision is personal. It’s between Jack, God, and I. I don’t have one surefire answer as to why we chose this route, but I don’t think we owe an answer to anyone outside of that trifecta. I have chosen to stop listening to what society wants me to do or not to do because it is honestly confusing as hell. And it’s hypocritical. Like, no wonder we have desire-confused bodies that are unable to determine our true sexual feelings.
I hope you know that I couldn’t care less whether you’ve been f*cking since freshman year, it’s not my place to judge. I just hope it was a personal choice and not something steered by society. And if it was, perhaps, steered by society the first time or the first few times, I hope that maybe now, your motives can change. You deserve to know how much your body is worth, who created it, and you get to decide who is good enough to have all of you. That’s how you know you’ve broken out of the matrix.
I want girls to know that they have the power to have sex whenever they want, however they want, and with whomever they want. But just make sure that you are controlling the narrative, because true liberation means having ownership over your complete body and soul. Society’s messages do not equate to sexual freedom. Sexual freedom would be the right to your sexuality on your own personal terms— and I hope those are between you and God and you and your partner.
So, the biggest secret’s out— the day after our wedding, when we wake up all starry-eyed, you’ll know why ;)