“Are you two going to be okay?”—Living 5,000 miles from my boyfriend.
Valentines Day 2019, Florence, Italy
This past Valentines day was the first Jack and I spent apart. More importantly, this present period is the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other in the 6 years we’ve known each other. And in all honesty, it’s been the BEST THING for our relationship.
People thought we were crazy. The first thing I often heard after explaining that I was going back to Italy was “...and what about Jack? Is he coming with you?” or “Are you two going to be okay?” And yes, these were two very valid questions and concerns. But, it also made me chuckle a bit.
We started dating at a very young age— Jack was 15 and I was 16. Our relationship began during a HUGE developmental period of our life. So, naturally, we found a lot of our identity in each other— so much so that we didn’t quite recognize ourselves without the other person by our side. I didn’t know who I was without Jack and vice versa.
When I was without him, I felt like I was missing a limb, my confidence in myself shrunk, and I became a bit of a stranger.
For the longest time, I felt like I was living my life as an apparition, floating 10 feet above the ground watching someone else’s life play out down below me. I didn’t feel like my skin was my skin or my hands were my hands or my mind was my mind. In other words, I felt really distant from myself. It was a crippling, confusing feeling.
Then, about a year and a half ago, Jack and I spent a week where we cut communication with each other completely and prayed about our relationship. I was really struggling internally— I realized how much of my identity and emotional dependency I had placed on another person who who wasn’t myself or my Savior.
After the week was up, we rejoined over hot cocoa at Cafe Intermezzo and read each other the letters we had written over the time we had spent praying and thinking and seeking and reflecting. It was beautiful.
The conclusions we came to were these:
We wanted to be with each other. We knew we were God’s gift to one another, and we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Why wait until then to start becoming the BEST versions of ourselves for one another? We wanted to start now.
We realized that society had brought us up to believe we were looking for our “second half” instead of a companion or a compliment— instead of someone who elevates us, challenges us, and brings out the best in us. I learned that I couldn’t expect Jack to complete me because that was never his role. It’s my own— I must complete myself. And this is the BEST gift I could ever give Jack, even though I may have disguised it as a something else.
Okay this is the big one that might shake you: We confessed that we would be okay without each other. Do we want to dwell on this idea? No. Do we want this for each other? Of course not. But let me tell you— it lifted a giant weight off of both of our shoulders when we spoke this aloud. Subconsciously knowing that the despair and lifelong misery of another person isn’t your responsibility is so relieving. I mean go figure!
Fast forward to Italy…
And so, for the first time in a long time, I am discovering who I am as a whole being. Italy has allowed me the space to do that. I have made friends with people who have never even met Jack, and maybe never will, which is another first. And you know, it’s been really refreshing and wholesome and revealing about the person I choose to be apart from him. I have had the special honor of “dating myself”— something I have never, ever gotten to experience. And I have discovered that this Olivia girl is kinda cool after all. And capable. And brave. And creative. And loved. And enough.
These 5000 miles apart has confirmed, if anything, that relationships are not about two halves making a whole, but two wholes bringing out the best in one another. And I can’t provide my best to the person I love if I don’t know fully and deeply who I am as an individual, and more importantly, as a child of God.
This is only one of the many lessons that Jack and I have learned in our 6 years of knowing each other. I could write a whole chapter on pressure of expectation in a relationship or how justice and fairness will get you nowhere. I could write another post about communication and boundaries and learning to look out for unhealthy signs of reliance. And maybe one day I will.
But for now, I felt led to share this little piece of our long, complicated, beautiful, ever-evolving love story.
On February 14th, I was out on the terrace at my home in Casa Brenta in Ponte di Brenta, Padua, Italy. I was waiting for our guests to arrive for lunch, finding a brief escape in the sunshine, when I started typing:
My prayer, today and every day, is that this wonderful relationship that God has blessed me with will be an inspiration to the kind of love that everyone deserves. The kind of love that even 5,000 miles apart— and going on a month without seeing each other— doesn’t waver your love and affection.
And it really hasn’t. I miss Jack, without a doubt. But will I survive in Italy without him? Of course— I might even flourish. And that’s not a sign of defiance, but of growth and strength and confidence in knowing who the heck this Olivia Kolkana girl is. And I’m starting to think I might like her.